I pass by your place everyday on the way to and from work now.

Sometimes you flash through my mind. But it feels as though we never happened.

I blame you for what I do not have in me anymore today.

I also thank you for who I have become.

Happy Birthday anyway.

: of love and fear :

Dear Mr. Quack GP,

Thank you for your kind overpriced services during my stay at the hospital. However, I certainly did not find it funny when you:

1. Pressed my appendix so hard that you CAUSED it to hurt, and then telling me that I had Appendicitis.

2. Admitted me to the hospital with no confirmed diagnose.

3. Punched a hole into my left wrist, told me I have small veins and you couldn’t find them, removed the needle and then punched yet another hole into my right wrist. IF YOU CAN’T FIND MY VEIN, DON’T SIMPLY POKE!! Think I’m a pin cushion is it??

4. Hooked me up to a drip for a whole night even though I’m still allowed to eat food. It wasn’t very pleasant watching my blood flow in and out of the tube every time I moved it.

5. Contested the surgeon who, after analyzing my blood test and checking me physically, said that I was fine and could go home.

6. Refused to let me check out of the hospital, instead making me stay till evening and then for overnight observation.

7. Did not listen to me when I said that my pain was IN THE CENTER AND NOT BY MY SIDE.

8. Scared my parents and boyfriend by telling them stories of various possibilities that were barely liable.

9. And finally, Mr. Quack GP, it definitely wasn’t funny when you TRIED TO GET ME OPERATED ON WHEN I DID NOT HAVE APPENDICITIS!!!

With much love,
Patient 22210

(yeah, that really was my number! Freakeh!)

--=--

I think he surpassed my family and friends' expectations.

Did he surpass mine?

No.

He did everything I expected of him. He did everything that had the quality of what I was looking for in a partner.

A life partner.

That reaffirmed many things.

--=--

While in the hospital, I experienced something that I've never felt before.

I experienced real fear.

Fear of surgery.

Fear of death.

That's when he taught me... What smiles are really for.

He made me smile even when my eyes were tearing in fear.

--=--

I also learnt... Of people who really cared for me.

I saw it in so many people. And I can only thank Him for these people in my life.

One person, however, disappointed me.

And she was the one person who shouldn't have.

Instead, I saw kindness in another soul. A soul who exuded the essence of being a loving, caring and above all, motherly figure.

I miss having one.

oh great . . .

The first doctor told me it was Appendicitis.

Major surgery, hospitalization, anesthesia…

“If treatment is delayed, the appendix can burst, causing infection and even death.”

That scared the hell out of me.

“I can’t lose you…”

That screwed up any sanity I had left.

I have too many things to take care of. Why must this happen now?

I can’t die. I have a house to pay for.

and then some

So I've made my move to CP, and it's akin to a 360 degree turn. Okla, maybe 270 degrees. I'm given so much freedom here. Freedom that is sometimes unwanted.

I do not have a direct superior to report to in the office. I am the Only editorial staff, thus I do not have anyone to discuss / brainstorm / edit with. Here i am trusted to do my own work, and as long as i complete it, anything goes. I am treated excellently as a staff, and the people here are tough people. I can be sarcastic and straightforward with the big guy, and he'll do the same to me.

The HUGE difference? At H, my official hours are 9-5. I can stay till 7 or 8, and I wouldn't feel it. Over at CP, my official hours are 9-6. I wish I could leave after lunch.

Right now, I'm not learning. Hence there is no motivation. Yet, I need what they offer.

--=--

With everything that's been going on at home, at work and socially, I've been failing to acknowledge how badly my health is deteriorating. My health chart looks like the stock market crashing downwards. It really hurts. I try not to make it a big deal, it usually goes away after a couple days, but it's been a week now. The fevers at night don't help much.

--=--

Old feelings are resurfacing, yet things are so different this time around. These are things that can't be changed. The same thought keeps running through my mind. Actually it doesn't run. It takes a leisurely stroll. Why not just have a picnic there, why don't you?