Just between you n me?

I'm doing it again. Being engulfed in my own feelings, taking it all out on myself. Perhaps, just perhaps, I have resentment because I have to feel all these feelings again. I remember the time when I was free from it. That pin-and-needle cushion, monster-grip-heart dread caused by no one else but myself.

Damn being female.

Is it selfish of me to turn my back because I don't want to experience these feelings again? In the beginning, I felt that this time around it would be so much better. But soon, my ears picked up words it didn't want to hear, my brain turned those words into bitterness, and then there was that stab-stab-ouch in my heart again.

I never wanted to think where this was leading to. But sooner than I thought I would, I did. Was it manipulatively planted there? I should know what I stand for.
I should know.
I should know....

But do I?

And then come in the rest of the complications. Yeah, the root of all evil. Right from the beginning, I already set it straight. This will NOT come between this. This will NOT ever become an issue in mine. I've seen what it did. I'm still witnessing what it can do. I'm personally terrified. But why.
..
why
...
why???

Why is everything that I set from the beginning all abandoning me?

I honestly still can't believe that I was able to accept that. And that, and that. Oh, and that. Let's look at the big picture here. This is reality. To overlook is to deny.

It seems that external forces are testing my patience. Suckers, leeches, phobics.

I say NO, it says YES. cHEEzes, what do you want from me??

Look what you've already done, for crudes sake!

What can I do to change it? To clench my teeth and hold back my punches? Weight the pros and cons and forego one whole list because the other has one extra point? Doh. Just because the elephant isn’t standing in front of you doesn’t mean it’s not trudging around in Africa.

Why am I still here?

Because there is something freakin special here.

And until you can truly prove me wrong,

You just blardy leave me alone.