candles in the mist

210806

The candles flickered in the dim light, radiating a beautiful, serene-like glow. I was hypnotized for awhile as it pulled me into its innocence. A sheep in a wolf's clothing, I say. A sheep that only a minute ago bit my finger with its flames.

Still in a slight trance, I finally looked up at the face behind the candles. 5 big ones and 7 small ones. And yet, her face assumed a child-like smile and twinkling eyes in the presence of the little dancing lights.

An off-tune melody strung from my left as he belted out the unforgiving song that has led her into her years. This was followed by a grunt of "OW!!" as his guitar smashed onto his big toe by accident.

I sat cross-legged on the couch with a smile tugging at the corner of my lips.

It was only the three of us on this night. Just like it has been for the last couple of years. At that brief moment, I was struck by a sudden weird thought...

"Is this how it feels like to be an only child in a happy family?"

my little miracle

It was the typical scenario - car behind, cars by side, me trying to reverse out from a freakin bukit parking space at HELP. The lot of people who have sat in my car know how much me and Manual Wanda loathe bukits.

Oh, and let's add ostrich-and-elephant rain to this scenario. Damn, why does it always rain floods when I'm wearing flats.

Anyway I was inching between the car parked by my side and the car parked behind me with my superb controls of accelerator+break+clutch. I was getting too close to the car behind, so since I was headed uphill, I accelerated with gusto twice to get more space behind. And when I finally had enough space to turn out, I looked down and realized...

oh. sweet. Lord.

My gear was on reverse *insert horrified screaming emoticon here*

How in the world Manual Wanda moved forward uphill instead of crashing solemnly into the shiny expensive fine-tuned car behind me when I accelerated while my gear was in reverse mode has left me ... extremely appreciative.

i guess God knows i'm broke.

: and so the truth finally came :

That phone conversation was one of the most unpleasant ones that I have ever had.

But it was also one of the most satisfying.

To discover the truth about you that way is just extremely unbecoming. The realization hit me harder than any brick possibly could. As tears glistened in my eyes, I held them in only because there were throngs of strangers around me. I could have so easily broken down, but my heart was also strangely content because of the support from the person on the other side of the phone line.

We were never close to each other. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I guess we both knew the situation at hand, but we didn't know each other's side to the story. I will always remember the day we sat down for the very first time early this year to talk about it. To acknowledge it. We were in your territory. And yet it was the most perfect time to reveal all there was about you.

That was the first time I've ever felt a connection with him. I saw the troubles and burdens he went through. I relate to them quite well. How can I not, since I'm going through the same thing now? Somehow, that night on the phone with him, I felt comforted. I understand now why he left. Every bit of resentment is gone. Now, I wish I could leave too.

That night, I let go of you. That night, I let myself go from you. And I felt an indescribably tremendous lift off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I was free from all dependence, obligations and guilt that you had over me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel the need to wait for you, or to seek your approval for anything. It was in many ways weird, to be left with nothing, yet to gain everything the world has to offer.

You have lost my respect. You lost it the day you lost my trust.

I see how you're trying to make up for it all now, in your own little gestures. I'm not responding to any of them because I refuse to be taken for a ride by you again. I am never going to look for a partner with similar qualities as what you possess. I am never going to live with all the uncertainty, secrets, lies and temper to top it all off. And if I find out only after I'm married? Then I shall deny him of offspring because I never want my children to experience what you have made us so harshly go through.

I forgave you once, I forgave you twice. I have forgiven you countless times. Even without realizing it. I stood supportively by your side. I believed in you. I defended you against all accusations. I gave you so, so many chances.

Unfortunately, you disappointed me greatly.

I even disrespected her for you. I understand now why she behaved the way she did. I don't blame her one bit anymore. It is indeed a horrible situation to be in.

I honestly don't understand why you don't learn from your mistakes.

Will you ever gain my respect again? Most probably.
How? Perhaps when you prove yourself worthy of my trust again.
When? I guess you'll just have to wait for the day I forgive you.

And don't worry, that day will come.

Yes, I will forgive you.

You gave me life, after all.

28072006

8pm
*glug glug glug*
What makes you think we can't make it for the 9.15pm show?






>.<
*eats even slower*







845pm
Can we leave nooowww??

. . . *shakes head* . . .




9pm
Please?

=.=

*stall stall stall*
Excuse me, can i have another glass of water?
*damn jelak water already*





915pm
*drags into Coffee Bean*


*drags out of Coffee Bean*







Got surprise for you, still wanna make it so hard for me, huh?








1030pm
Go down to KL now??
*scoffs*


Got second surprise for you, still wanna scoff, huh?




29072006
9am
Eh, you are actually getting up for breakfast?

*slurp*
*munch*
*gobble*
*burp*

3pm

*goes to class* -ahahaha-

*goes into hibernation*

It's Just Talk Lah ©

Random Chic & Duc talk that no one will get:

"Don't let them present first. They can't talk lah."
"Yea, especially in english."
____________________________________________


Yah, talk is cheap.
Why do people do it then?
To make themselves feel better, perhaps.

You seem to be in an inner conflict with yourself.
Conscience vs. Resentment
Love vs. Self

What can I do to make you feel better?
Nothing.

Would you accept me saying sorry?
No.
Would you want me to feel extremely bad?
No.

All I can do is say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You truly saved me.
You saved me from more than you think. Much, much more.
I hope you will take that.
Because there is nothing more I can say or do, nothing more I dare to promise even if I wanted to.

I am having my own inner conflict.
Guilt vs. Freedom vs. Pride vs. Comfort vs. Fear vs. Trust
But I have learnt to let it go. I know the consequences of not doing so.

I hope you'll be able to as well. It'll be for more than yourself.

Just between you n me?

I'm doing it again. Being engulfed in my own feelings, taking it all out on myself. Perhaps, just perhaps, I have resentment because I have to feel all these feelings again. I remember the time when I was free from it. That pin-and-needle cushion, monster-grip-heart dread caused by no one else but myself.

Damn being female.

Is it selfish of me to turn my back because I don't want to experience these feelings again? In the beginning, I felt that this time around it would be so much better. But soon, my ears picked up words it didn't want to hear, my brain turned those words into bitterness, and then there was that stab-stab-ouch in my heart again.

I never wanted to think where this was leading to. But sooner than I thought I would, I did. Was it manipulatively planted there? I should know what I stand for.
I should know.
I should know....

But do I?

And then come in the rest of the complications. Yeah, the root of all evil. Right from the beginning, I already set it straight. This will NOT come between this. This will NOT ever become an issue in mine. I've seen what it did. I'm still witnessing what it can do. I'm personally terrified. But why.
..
why
...
why???

Why is everything that I set from the beginning all abandoning me?

I honestly still can't believe that I was able to accept that. And that, and that. Oh, and that. Let's look at the big picture here. This is reality. To overlook is to deny.

It seems that external forces are testing my patience. Suckers, leeches, phobics.

I say NO, it says YES. cHEEzes, what do you want from me??

Look what you've already done, for crudes sake!

What can I do to change it? To clench my teeth and hold back my punches? Weight the pros and cons and forego one whole list because the other has one extra point? Doh. Just because the elephant isn’t standing in front of you doesn’t mean it’s not trudging around in Africa.

Why am I still here?

Because there is something freakin special here.

And until you can truly prove me wrong,

You just blardy leave me alone.